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Chapter One: Stay Together in Kindness or Separate in Kindness
Islamic Guidance
Family & Parenting
The Islamic Foundation of Marriage & Separation
In Islam, marriage is a sacred bond to foster love, compassion, and stability. However, separation is permitted when relationships face irreconcilable challenges—provided it is conducted with kindness, dignity, and fairness.
"So retain them in kindness or release them in kindness." — (Qur'an)
Imam Ibn Uthaymīn (d. 1421 AH) explains: "Allah commands husbands that their separation from their wives should be conducted with kindness. If a divorced woman reaches the end of her waiting period, then either he should take her back in kindness or let her go in kindness, without insulting or disparaging her."
The Fortress of a Two-Parent Home
The Islamic Ideal
Children should be raised in the care of both parents, each obliged to maintain family stability through good companionship, as emphasized by the Sharī'ah.
"Studies confirm that joint care is closest to achieving family stability, and that disputes are a primary factor in family unrest."
Marriage as Social Cohesion
Abul Ḥasan al-Mawārdī (d. 450 AH) described marriage as the third cause of unity after religion and blood kinship—creating a new bond of compatibility arising from desire and choice, established upon goodness.
Muḥammad Khaḍr al-Ḥussayn (d. 1378 AH) adds: "In marriage there is the pursuit of righteous offspring, and in righteous offspring lies honor and pride for the parents, the family, and the nation."
Communicate Without Quarreling
Constant arguments between parents can have serious long-term consequences for a child's mental health—including anxiety, fear, low self-esteem, depression, and social isolation. Even sending children to their rooms during conflicts does not shield them from fear and worry.
Psychological Harm
Anxiety, guilt, low self-esteem, difficulty concentrating, and depression
Social Harm
Trust issues, aggression, withdrawal, and difficulty maintaining relationships
Academic Harm
Distraction, poor focus, and declining academic performance
Physical Harm
Emotional eating, obesity risk, and early health complications
How to Lessen the Harm of Conflicts
Parents can take deliberate steps to protect their children from the damage of marital conflict. These practical guidelines help create a safer emotional environment:
01
Discuss calmly
Talk to the child about conflicts without sharing too many details. Reassure them that all families experience disagreements.
02
Keep conflicts private
Avoid arguing in front of children. Resolve disputes when they are not around and never use foul language or insults.
03
Maintain mutual respect
Show respect between spouses in front of the children regardless of disputes. Establish clear household rules for both parents and children.
04
Nurture the child
Take children out for fun activities. Foster open communication, showing them they are valued and cared for.
Satan's War on the Muslim Family
One of Shayṭān's most significant daily goals is the destruction of the Muslim household. The Prophet ﷺ said: "Satan has despaired of being worshipped by the people who perform prayers in the Arabian Peninsula, but he seeks to sow discord among them."
Al-Qāḍī ʿIyāḍ (d. 544 AH) explains the gravity: "It emphasizes the seriousness of separation and divorce—the great harm it causes, and the immense sin in striving towards it. This is because it involves severing what Allah has commanded to be joined, dispersing what Allah has made a source of mercy and affection, and demolishing a house built in Islam."

Conflict between parents after divorce has deeply harmful effects on the child's mental, social, and educational well-being—leading even to resentment, hatred, and disobedience toward parents.
Golden Advice for Salvaging Marriages
"And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them—perhaps you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good." — Qur'an 4:19
Al-Ṭabarī's Commentary
Treat your wives kindly even if you dislike them. It may be that you dislike them and yet choose to keep them, and Allah may place much good in your keeping them—whether in the form of children He grants you or a newfound affection after initial dislike.
Imam al-Sa'dī's Wisdom
When you dislike one of your wife's traits, consider her other qualities and the good that comes from her. Balance the negatives against the positives—this is the essence of fairness and sound judgment.
"A prudent, loyal, and intelligent man balances things, prioritizes what is right, and honors past kindnesses. His focus on good qualities outweighs his view of the bad."
The Benefits of Patience in Marriage
Dislike May Turn to Love
Compelling oneself to stay despite difficulty trains one in beautiful character. The dislike may fade and be replaced with love, or the reasons for dislike may disappear entirely.
Righteous Offspring
One may be blessed with a righteous child through the marriage—a child who will benefit both parents in this world and the Hereafter.
Obedience to Allah
Among the benefits is obeying the command of Allah and His Messenger, which leads to happiness in this world and the Hereafter.
Patience Has Limits
This patience is expected only when possible. If separation becomes necessary and there is no room for patience, Allah has permitted separation. — Imam al-Sa'dī
Give Peace a Chance
"And making peace is better. And human inner selves are swayed by greed. But if you do good and avoid evil, Allah is Ever Well-Acquainted with your actions." — Qur'an 4:128
Imam al-Sa'dī explains that reconciliation between those with a dispute is better than each insisting on every part of their right—due to the benefits of harmony, preservation of affection, and the adoption of graciousness. The barrier to reconciliation is the soul's inherent stinginess; one must strive to replace it with generosity.
Abū al-Dardāʾ's Wisdom
"If I get angry, content me; if you get angry, I will content you. If we are not like this, how quickly will we separate."
Imam al-Shāfi'ī Said
"Whoever is provoked to anger but does not get angry is like a donkey, and whoever is asked for reconciliation but does not accept it is like a devil."
Being upset when insulted is normal—but always leave space for reconciliation.
Words Cannot Be Retracted — Leave Room for Peace
The Arrow of Words
"The example of a spoken word is like an arrow—once released, it cannot be returned. A person is given one tongue and two ears to listen more than he speaks."
Leave Room for Reconciliation
Some of the Salaf advised: "O you, do not go to extremes in insulting us, and leave some room for reconciliation. For we find no better way to repay someone who has disobeyed Allah concerning us than to obey Allah concerning him."
Do Not Humiliate Yourself
The Prophet ﷺ said: "It is not appropriate for a believer to humiliate himself"—meaning to expose himself to trials he cannot bear. Impassable boundaries must be set in relationships.
Divorce Is Often Inevitable as a Last Recourse
Although divorce is generally disliked due to the harm it contains, it is permitted when needed. Imam Ibn Qudāmah (d. 620 AH) explains: "The situation between the spouses can deteriorate, making the continuation of the marriage pure harm—obliging the husband to provide maintenance while keeping the woman in a state of ill-treatment and constant dispute without any benefit."
Ibn al-Qayyim (d. 751 AH): "Allah did not make the wife a permanent burden on the husband, a chain around his neck, or a restriction on his freedom. He legislated divorce in the most complete and just way for both."
Ibn ʿUthaymīn clarifies: "The default ruling on divorce is that it is disliked, but it becomes permissible when a need exists—whether the wife dislikes the husband, turns away from obedience to Allah, or is ill-tempered and difficult to live with."
Forgive & Don't Forget the Good You Shared
"And do not forget to be gracious to one another." — Qur'an 2:237
Imam al-Sa'dī's Guidance
"A person should not be overly meticulous in every matter. Instead, allow space for graciousness—by forgiving, showing leniency, giving more than what is due, and accepting less than what is one's right. How much goodness, great reward, peace of mind, and tranquility of heart has been attained through such graciousness."
A Critical Warning
When divorce occurs, it is unjust for either family to exploit custody rulings—preventing a parent from seeing their child, sowing dislike in the child's heart toward the other parent, or using custody as a tool for harm.
Custody's true aim is to nurture, care for, and raise the child in goodness—not to create division or settle personal grievances.
Monetary Graciousness at Separation (Tamtī')
Once a divorce is final, it is highly recommended to show monetary graciousness to one's ex-wife—giving her something consolatory beyond mandatory maintenance. Allah says: "And for divorced women is a provision according to what is reasonable—a duty upon the righteous." (Qur'an 2:241)
Consoles Her Heart
Addresses her needs in a vulnerable situation and honors the bond that was shared.
Prevents Enmity
A sign of parting with kindness, preventing disputes and hostilities that often arise during divorce.
Clears Liability
A precaution to clear the husband's liability from any rights she might have and facilitates reconsideration if circumstances change.
Allah Suffices You After Separation
"But if they separate, Allah will enrich both from His abundance; and Allah is All-Encompassing, Wise." — Qur'an 4:130
Put your trust in Allah, separate amicably, and you will achieve success no matter how heartbroken you may feel. Al-Sa'dī explains: "He may give the husband a wife better for him than the previous one, and enrich the woman with His bounty even if her share from her former husband has ended—for her provision is in the hands of the One who guarantees sustenance for all creation."
For the Husband
Allah may provide a more suitable spouse and increased chastity and integrity.
For the Wife
Allah may grant her a husband whose companionship brings her happiness and better provision.
The Promise
Al-Shanqīṭī notes: Allah makes one outcome conditional on the other—separation leads to His enrichment of both parties from His vast bounty.
Cooperate for the Children's Well-being After Divorce
"And consult together in a fair manner." — Qur'an 65:6
Al-Baghawī explains: "The address is directed to both spouses, commanding them to act with fairness and what is best, and not to intend harm." Imam al-Sa'dī adds that neglecting fair consultation leads to harm known only to Allah, whereas consulting in a good way promotes cooperation in righteousness and piety.
Shaykh ʿAṭiyyah Muḥammad Sālim summarizes: "Communication between spouses after separation—whether concerning breastfeeding or other matters—should be based on fairness, leniency, and kindness out of loyalty to the previous bond of companionship. And do not forget to be gracious to one another."
Minimize the Harmful Effects of Divorce on Children
ʿĀ'isha (J) narrated the complaint of Khawlah bint Thaʿlabah, who said: "I have small children; if I place them with him, they will be neglected, and if I keep them with me, they will go hungry." This summarizes the lived reality of many divorcees.
Emotional Impact
Children may feel sadness, isolation, fear, and confusion. They may blame themselves for the separation, impacting psychological well-being.
Social & Academic Impact
Low self-esteem, behavioral issues, academic struggles, and difficulty maintaining relationships are common challenges for children of divorced parents.
How Parents Can Help
Maintain peaceful communication, provide a stable and loving environment, avoid conflicts in front of the child, and actively engage in their life.
Conclusion: Kindness in Union, Dignity in Separation
The family is a cornerstone of society, and its disintegration profoundly affects children. Islam provides a compassionate framework—urging spouses to forgive, maintain goodwill, and fulfill responsibilities toward each other and their children.
Stay Together
With patience, kindness, mutual respect, and a focus on the good in one another—for the sake of children and the pleasure of Allah.
Separate with Grace
When reconciliation is impossible, part with dignity, monetary graciousness, and trust in Allah's promise to enrich both parties.
Co-Parent with Justice
Prioritize the child's well-being over personal grievances. Custody is a trust—not a tool for revenge or division.

By adhering to these principles, divorced parents can effectively collaborate to ensure their children's well-being and maintain peace within the family even after separation—preserving dignity, empathy, and justice.